Haro Kity?

Hey everyone!

Ive had a pretty quiet weekend looking after my neice and nephew, Sian and Finn. Those kids are so easy to look after and love!

I was asleep on the couch at 9am this morning (arent I a fantastic baby-sitter, sleeping when the kids are already up, lol.) and Finn (who’s 7) crept up next to where  I was sleeping so he could adjust the fan so it was blowing on to me , keeping me cool. How gorgeous is that!

I got up, and they were already dressed, teeth brushed, beds made, and playing quietly in their bedrooms!! Now, I dont have kids. But is there somewhere I can sign up to be on the waiting list for kids behaved like this? Seriously, is there?!

I took them to the markets. They had never been! Never known the joys of rummaging through someone elses crap for an old maccas toy, passing over 10cents for your treasure! Never haggled with an old lady with moles with hair coming out that are in fact taller than your 10yo self? Never bought a necklace/watch that breaks the moment you get in the car to leave?!

Well, we couldnt have that.

So off we toddled. The kids were at first suprised, ‘But Auntie Cinderella Big Butt, who would want a rocking horse with no head?’ but soon got into the swing of things. Finn found some $1 Lego, and Sian found a giant Hello Kitty plush (pic above) for only $8. Bargains!

My buy for the day was Milo & Otis on VHS for 50c!!!

Words cannot describe the awesomeness! The kids, not suprisingly, had not seen this either (seriously, what is my sister doing with these kids) and they absolutely fell in love with it when we watched it later that evening. My work here is done!

Ahhh, but you want to hear about my weight loss. Had you for a moment, didnt I? You’d thought you’d stumbled across ‘Crazy Auntie Ramblings’ for a moment. You should be so lucky! Haha.

I LOST 0.8 THIS WEEK!

Stoked? Why, yes indeed! Chuffed even! I’m getting soooo much closer to 80kgs now. The eighties? I havent been in the eighties for over two years. I was 19 and ate what I wanted because I did not believe it was possible for me to become even fatter.

Der, 19yo self. It clearly is possible! Your small nation sized ass is a testament to that!

Im in a weird kind of territory. Smaller than I was, but yet still not I want to be. And it makes me feel weird and like i’m lost. Because ive never thought I could be successful at this- when I began my journey-   and I feel dumbfounded every day at what I have achieved. A friend said to me, ‘but only 11.5kgs lost? not time to celebrate just yet!’ and to that GET FUCKED. Ha. I will celebrate, every 0.1kg of the way, and so should anyone else who is losing because at the end of the day, if I hadnt of made changes, I would still be 106kgs and not living the life worthy of me. END RANT.

Who am I kidding- how can I be angry when Im curled up on my couch, a sleepy pug at my feet and the cutest neices and nephews in the world.

Big claim? Oh yes, but i have proof-

Enjoy the last of your weekend everybody, squeeze every drop of fun out of it!

This morning I woke up, dragging my heels a bit, wondering if I would be able to continue on this fantastic journey I have started after I had a di a discussion with one of my sisters last night, K.

We were talking about how easily it is to fool yourself when you’ve gained weight. I remember way back at my first post, weighing in at the first time for almost a year, and weighing 15kgs more than I expected. That was even after overestimating!

In hindsight all the triggers were there- I’d started a new job, an inactive one, one with more stress, and also in the city. Oh the delights I discovered…namely Indian. Oh, Indian, you were once my friend. Your butter chicken danced on my taste buds, one of those jolly Bollywood dances you had on the plasma screen whilst I ate.
But Indian? You were not doing my big butt any favours. The fact ypour restaurant chairs were extra roomy? Not a coincidence as far as I’m concerned!

I know to stay away from things likely to have coconut cream and pappadums (oh le sigh) but does anyone know what I have at my local Indian restaurant that won’t lead me too far up the garden path diet wise? I am attending a luncheon for a work colleague. I know there are some lamb dishes that seem to be veggie based not cream based, but then again I know very little about Indian cuisine…or any cuisine for that matter.

My YAY moment for today is getting back on track. Oh yes I know, it’s not like ive been completely off the wagon. But now I just feel more…inclined to make an effort.

Is this the sudden heatwave here thats bought this on? Sudden bikini body madness?

I weighed in and lost .5kgs this week. A month ago, that would have made me sorely disappointed and likely to overindulge. But I was really happy with that because I now know that that wont ever get back on my big round butt again. .5kgs is a healthy, stable weight loss effort for a week.

I wish I was stable. Ha. Lol.

Back to the discussion with my sister. She spoke about how her and my other siblings had noticed my weight gain (it was quite rapid, too) and no one approached me about it because I get a bit freaky deaky about my body. Like most women, I suppose.

So my positive step for yesterday? I asked my sister to ALWAYS let me know if I have noticeably gained weight.

It’s a small step I know, but one for which I think needed to be made, and really reinforces that I JUST WON’T be over 100kgs again in my life.

Hey- I’m at 94.7kgs currently.Only 4.8kgs more until im in the EIGHTIES!!!!

Hey everyone!

 

Since ive last posted its been…a mixed bag really?

Have you ever been in a relationship that there are too many close calls? As in, you ALMOST break up and think its the last time you’ll be together and pack up your stuff and have those deep and meaningfuls, cry all day and night, your eyes are puffy 24/7 and you are emotionally drained?

I had one of those this weekend. Im relieved, im happy..but genuinely dont know if I can go through another close call like that again and make it through sane. Hopefully it doesnt happen again- I think id much rather have it be permanently over than off and on, even though I love him phenomenonally. The rollercoaster is a bitch, you know?

I weighed in at the weight loss centre after a 5 week hiatus, over Christmas. I envisioned a 5kg gain, or at the very least 2kg gain. I truly expected the worse, even shaved my legs and cut my toenails and had a massive poop before weigh in. Hey, it all counts right? Lol.

To my suprise, i’d lost .4kg over Christmas. My mouth kind of gaped at the weigh in lady but hey- I won’t look that gift horse in the mouth!

And so you’d think, id be more motivated than ever. You’d think.

I’ve been eating mostly well…I won’t lie. I had McDonalds today. It was the sweetest, freshest, most tender and delicious McDonalds i’ve ever had in my life. Illicit food tends to taste that way, don’t they!

Apart from that though, i’ve been pretty sensible. Not as sensible as my three months went, where I lost that 10kgs, but better than not making any effort at all.

I’m reading alot of blogs lately, to keep me motivated, for some inspiration. I think im looking for that magic sentence that will make my lightbulb go off inside my dim, clouded head. The sentence that will pull everything together and I will just know that this time my efforts will pay off.

The sentence doesnt exist though. I know I am my only true source of motivation. Looking for that sign to lose weight cost me three years after highschool of being obese and telling myself I would kick myself into gear ‘when I was ready’.  I know now that was crap- the signs were all around me. The living in a coastal town, loving the beach but not going there for years because of my weight? A sign. The feelings of inferiority? A sign. The notion that I had to accept any boy that came my way, because after all, I didnt have the right to be choosy because of my weight? A definite sign!

I feel a bit sad for my Mum too. She’s obese- has been for over 20 years now. All of my life she’s been on some kind of ‘diet’. She loses a bit here, gains a bit there. I’ve heard her say before that her downfall is that she doesnt look in the mirror and see something she hates, like a lot of obese people do. She’s happy with the way she looks. And rightfully so- she has the brightest blue eyes you will ever see, and skin that has never ever needed to be covered with makeup.

But the more weight I lose, the more I want this feeling for my Mum and siblings too. But I know there is nothing I can say. I hate smug people and no doubt that is how it would come off as.

This has been a bit of a rambling post- one of those days I guess!

I am off to cook a fatty carb loaded healthy, fresh stir fry dinner.

Tomorrow will be a big day of  BBQ goodness with friends -Australia Day!

Oh, decisions decisions…

 

 

Ha. I found this lady in a document about bad workplace behaviour, but yet she is strangely fitting to my current predicament.

The dilemma at hand is- do i resign on to another Bootcamp, or do I go it on my own and join a gym?

Let’s look at the pros and cons for both-

Pro’s For Bootcamp

♥  I really like Ms A and the trainers, and dont want to disappoint them. And i did say I would very likely be in on the next bootcamp

♥ Ms A already knows what fitness levels I am at and is fair, yet pushed me to achieve new fitness goals

♥ It’s a really great way to meet like-minded women

♥ It’s really close by- only a 2 min drive from my house is where we meet (or a 5 min walk, but really, not once have I bothered walking because of the serious jelly legs I get after bootcamp)

♥ I get to wear a snazzy tshirt

♥ This time it wont be nearly so frightening as it was last time, and I’ll know what to expect

 

And now for the negatives for Bootcamp/Reasons why going it alone could work

♥Bootcamp is quite a chunk of money, and to be all paid upfront by 28th of Jan.  At the moment the company N works for is shutdown, and as he works casually he hasnt been paid for the last month. We’re surviving on my wage, but there isnt a whole lot left over.  $200 could…well it could get the electric company off our backs. Lol.

♥ What if it gets boring? It will, after all, be the exact same program as last time.

♥ (This is a piss poor excuse, but I’m being honest here) It’s really freaking hot on the beach in January! I, like alot of obese people, do not fare well in the heat. I become a tanty throwing three year old when overheated. And then drink slurpees. Neither of which are a good idea to say the least. Atleast if I was in a gym it would be air conditioned. (Unlike my hotbox of a house)

♥ I could go to they gym with some girlfriends and join a couple of classes, it could be a great way to keep in touch with them and get fit at the same time! Squee! And afterwards I could glide effortlessly on a treadmill for over an hour not even breaking a sweat! (I think im remembering the gym a little more romantically than it is in real life, but whatevs.)

♥ I would probably be doing the inevitable. Bootcamp doesnt run all round- only daylight saving hours. Sooner or later Im going to have to join the gym or something similar to bridge the gaps between bootcamps, instead of letting myself become a flabby abby again. (well, even moreso.)

What do you think?

I have also been doing an advertisement for a woman who is a hypnotherapist. Has anyone had experience with being hypnotized? Or is it just a desperate attempt?

And lastly, arent these scales from etsy adorable?!

Maybe even adorable enough to kick my butt into gear? *ponders*

Sorry?

What to say to a wonderful group of people that have supported you, when you so wilfully ignored them?

What to say when you’ve been following their blogs, sharing their successes and empathising with their disappointments, but yet not let them see yours?

Now would be a good time to tell you, my blog, that this is quite a habit of mine. Withdrawing when it all gets a bit hard, or when people are a bit too close. No longer.

 

You may noticed I’ve moved- and for a few reasons. Probably the biggest is that some family members found my blog. Am I saying anything on here I wouldnt be happy for them to know? No. Anything slanderous, or even remotely scandalous? Nope, sorry to disappoint. I cant even describe why I dont want my Mum and Dad reading my blog…it just feels kinda creepy. Lol. Does anyone else feel this way about their blog?

Another was that I orginally started my other blog as a chronicle of my bootcamp experiences- and realistically, I cant keep doing bootcamp the rest of my life! Talk about repetitive! And so if (!) I continue with bootcamp, I will still tell you alllll about it, even the gross, sweaty details that noone wants to hear. I just wanted someplace that I could talk about other weight and life usses that weren’t bootcamp specific.

 

Since I missed it, Merry Christmas from myself and Pokey the Pug! 

I had a fantastic Christmas, and did not feel one twinge of guilt reaching for a second helping of Chocolate Ripple cake, or for more of my disastrous Lemon Tart. (It was intended to be a Lemon Meringue Pie, yet I could not make the egg whites stiff for the freaking life of me, and therefore, a Lemon Tart!)

In hindsight I don’t think I overdid it at all, I was wise enough to realise Christmas is just one day, although I’d be lying if I said I was well behaved the whole festive season. In fact, if one had of squeezed me too hard just before Christmas, champagne in all its bubbly goodness may just have come out of all my crevaces. And isnt that the most romantic piece of poetry you will ever read. Lol!

As promised, an updated photo of me wearing my dress I bought for my work Christmas do. And cos I loved it so much, I wore it New Years as well!

Actually, while im here, i might as well do a before and after shot. Please do not cringe like I am doing now when you see my before shot- it was my first day, and I was thrust into a photography studio with accurate lighting and camera with a bajillion megapixels. I’m posting it because alot of people at work see this image, and comment that they can see I’ve lost a little weight .  How do you politely say TEN KILOGRAMS! TEN KILOGRAMS! THATS A FREAKING LOT, AND I FELT EVERY SINGLE OUNCE OF IT!? I guess you dont. Humility would be key I suppose. Lol.

So without further ado- my before shot, taken March 2008.

 

In all it’s bad skinned, regrowthy glory. Seriously, blonde- what was I thinking?!

And below a shot of the afore mentioned fave dress, with the lovely N, at the Christmas Do-

And I leave you with the final pic, a less than graceful one, of myself and the girls being dickheads on NYE.

Have a great day and thanks for reading!

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See the wagon….

….yeah, i’m off it.

WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?

It’s like once I realised I was doing well, no not well, GREAT, my head tells me to relax now, to have a munch on those corn chips…it’s ok!

But its not ok. *sigh*

It all started when I had the most horrendous pain of my life on Wednesday. As in, pain that made my jaw swell, my whole face throw and my eyes well up with tears all day.

I left work early to go to the dentist and found out that my wisdom teeth need taking out, and has to be done in the hospital because of how severely impacted they are.

Oh, and that will be $5000.00 (sorry, whinge over I promise!)

That night I was still in pain, but more so in such a negative mood that there was no way I could muster up the courage needed for bootcamp.

And so I flaked.

BUT IT GETS WORSE. (my, aren’t I caps happy today?)

I flaked again on Friday. Once again, the painkillers had still not kicked in properly and I called Ms A and piked.

I know it was justified, but at the same time I still feel crap about it.

In addition (why do I feel like im writing an essay of excuses here) I don’t think I will be losing this week, which is sucky after my awesome success last week.

There will be an update after bootcamp tonight (if I don’t pass away from exertion!).

As crappy as this week has been, I don’t want to be a negative nelly so here are some fabulous things in my life at the moment….

♥ Mum has invited N and I over for a roast dinner tonight. (Low fat of course) I love going to my Mum and Dad’s and chatting about nothing over diet cordial and sakata crackers.

♥I went to City Chic and purchased the hottest dress, I feel like a 50’s pin up girl in it! Will post photos next week, as its for my work Christmas do!

♥My mum told me where to buy my pug Pokey a Santa outfit for cute Christmas morning photos!

♥I had quite a violent encounter on Saturday night, but I managed to be the bigger person (quite literally and figuratively)and not let it get to me. (More on that later!)

Stay posted!

** Drumroll Please!**

I have now lost a grand total of 10.6 kilograms on 13 weeks!

My starting weight, all those weeks ago, was 106.5kgs….

and now I weigh 94.kgs!

(And I bought myself a ridiculously expensive GHD hair straightener as a reward!)

Singin In The Rain….

Or rather, dying from exhaustion in the rain!

WEEK 2, SESSION 3 in HELLCAMP

The sky was grey all Friday, and all day I secretly hoped that Ms A would call and say that bootcamp was cancelled.

Suffice to say, 5.30 came and there was no phone call. So I sucked it up and got myself to Eastern Beach.

I was still holding hope that perhaps Ms A would applaud my devotion and then tell me to go home- but no such luck.

There were probably only 12 of us girls who showed up, and I knew straight away that we were going to work!

Ms A split us into two groups, the fit and the not-so-fit, like she does every week.

Italian Stallion took my group for the first session, and asked us to jog over to the fountain to start our exercises.

I began to jog at a slow pace (my only jogging pace!) and Italian Stallion looked at me, eyebrows raised with suprise and exclaimed, ‘You’ve gotten so much fitter!’

That really shocked me. I guess its because I always feel like its such a struggle- which is really how I should feel If i want this to work.

He had us play a game where we ran up and down hill with weights, in two teams. The idea was one team had to steal weights from the other team, and the team with the most weights won. My team tried hard, we were one person down and my team members were lumped with the most unfit person there (lol) but ultimately lost.

Our penance? We had to run up the steepest hill at the beach, quicker than Italian Stallion or else we had to run up again! Let me tell you, hauling 98 or so (I don’t even remember how much I weigh anymore?!) kilograms up a hill that feels like its at a 90 degree angle isnt easy!

I managed to beat him up the hill but I’m pretty sure he showed me a little (or perhaps a lot!) of mercy.

The last part of our session with Italian Stallion was wheelbarrow walking. Wow.

He gave us all different distances to reach- mine was probably only 2 metres. I remember thinking ‘Ha!! He does not know the power of Cinderella Big Butt!’

My story changed, however, when I was on my arms with my partner behind holding my legs, with a fantastic few of my, well, behind.

The afore mentioned 98 kilograms all weighing on my flabby, muscle lacking arms?! PAIN! Just pain! No other way to describe it! I made it to my two metre mark, but then on the way back bellyflopped in the mud, unable to carry myself any further!

How gracious and ladylike of me, lol. But then again nothing of this bootcamp experience so far has been gracious or ladylike in the slightest!

We switched groups, and this time we were met by Ms A and L. Have I told you about L?

L was the great trainer who got back my spirits after the SNB debacle. L is stunning- truly one of the prettiest girls I have ever seen. And is she fit or what!!! I like L- she doesnt let me get away with anything- she’s a hard one, but isn’t rude or arrogant about it.

She does love to dole out the push ups though!

The rain came down harder- It didnt matter anymore, we were soaked to the bone anyhow.

We ran to Ms A, and L gave me the same look Italian Stallion had earlier.
‘Far out CBB! You’ve improved so much!’ she smiled, and my heart swelled with pride.

I didnt bask in the glory for long- our next task was to drag GIANT bags filled with sand along the foreshore. I had forgotten how hard it was to run in sand!

We all pushed on, and I could see the other girls were hurting too. And if one of us stopped jogging? 20 pushups!

We ended up doing 5 sets of 20 push ups over that half an hour! I would never ever have thought that was something my body could achieve, but yet here I was.

After bootcamp, I felt absolutely ecstatic. Gone was the feeling of desparation that used to come over me after bootcamp- these must be those famed endorphins!

I weigh in tonight, and will keep you posted. Hopefully I will have good news this week!

Questions to myself

Questions to Myself
(thanks to Heather from setting her free- you are such an inspiration!)

1. What types of food were you most likely to overeat?

Perhaps it would be quicker to write down what I wasnt likely to eat? *sigh* The main foods I would make my self sick on was big bowls of pasta, bread, gourmet cheeses, lindt chocolate, and pizza.

2. What times of day did you overeat most often?
Lunch was a big trap for me. I work in the city and there are so many delicious food options literally across the road from my office- Chinese, McDonalds, KFC, Mexican, Thai, counter meals….! I really enjoyed the choice available and ate a bigger and bigger lunch every week, convincing myself it was healthier to have a large meal in the day time and a small on at night. But then that night, I would still have a normal sized dinner!

3. What feelings were you having most often when you overate?
Whilst I was over eating, I felt really satisfied and happy. Afterwards? Guilt and shame for having eaten such a large meal. I would even lie to my coworkers about my large portions, saying stuff like ‘I ordered this, but they gave me the wrong order and now I have all this!’ That made me feel even lower afterwards and I’m so ahsamed of myself for that.

4. Do you think you have a binge eating disorder?
I dont think I did- I think I just had poor eating habits eg never having breakfast, not drinking water etc. Obviously the huge lunches didnt help, but I would never just go home and eat and eat.

5. What circumstances in your life do you believe contributed to your weight gain?

Well I have honestly been overweight since my early teens. I remember being a bit chubby in Yr 7, but not what anyone would ever call fat. I did dance programs at my school and competitions, and my weight would go up and down depending on that. Around Yr 9 I got to my smallest, probably a size 12. It went downhill from there- I got a job at the local McDonalds. When I left high school I was a size 14 up top ad 16 down the bottom at 75kg and quite unhappy. Three years after high school, it seems I have put on an average of 10kg on every year!

My parents are both diabetic- consequently I have grown up classifying foods as ‘good’ and ‘bad.’ I was the kid that had never had a cheeseburger, the kid that didnt know what white bread tasted like, the kid that BEGGED their mum for roll-ups and muesli bars at the milk bar.

I’m pretty sure thats why I have such a messed up relationship with food- and as soon as I got my first job, I would waste my whole pay on junk food.

6. Do you ‘blame’ anyone for your weight?
No- ultimately everything I have eaten has been my own fault. It’s funny though- genes definitely play a part in it. Growing up, my sisters and I all ate the same yet they stayed very slim. We were all inactive, just like my Mum. All of our hobbies were sedentary ones like reading, boardgames, watching movies etc. I used to sob my little heart out in my room at how unfair it was that they never put on weight.

That was until this year, when I met my biological fathers family. (My sisters were from my Mum’s first marriage) I met my half brother who is morbidly obese. I met my aunties and uncles, all of whom were morbidly obese. They showed photos of my deceased biological father- who was also morbidly obese.

So i guess I do curse my genes on one side of the family, but yet know that I am where I am because of my own bad habits.

7. What other behaviors made you overweight?
I have gone on new ‘diets’ and ‘regimes’ atleast once a month since I was 15. Honestly, once I got to 20, I did not give a shit anymore. I ate and ate and ate, resigned to the fact I was going to be fat all of my life and I needed to accept that.
No breakfast since the age of 13 has obviously not helped.

8. Were you active or exercising while you gained weight?
Sometimes. I’ve joined Fernwood and Curves before, tried power walking every night. But ever exercise that actually made me hurt the next day, or think I wasn’t going to be able to breath. So never enough, really.

9. Why did you choose that activity level?
I’m lazy. I much prefer to be inside reading a book than outside! Now im just trying to retrain myself to like exercise.

10. What made you finally want to change?
It’s hard to say really- I think the everything just kind of worked out perfectly. A new weight loss centre had opened near work, I was happier than ever, had more time to myself now my boyfriend had started workig night shift…it just felt like I could make it work this time.